My dad did his best to shelter us from her abuses but eventually, her destructive behaviors did their damage and she drove him away. In dysfunctional family dynamics, the scapegoat is the person who receives the brunt of scorn and abuse. They will tell themselves that they are to blame. I have been clean & sober for about 20 yrs & am a Christian now & very thankful I finally escaped that part of my life. So, what happens when the scapegoat walks away? Gamora never lost. 104K views 3 years ago After being smeared, to such extensive degrees amongst the family members, and extended family, scapegoats often choose to speak Our current usage literally means an individual, group or country singled out for unmerited negative treatment or blame.. Usually, theyre the one family member who posed a threat to the narcissist/main abuser. And let it be known for my troubles of being my fathers caregiver all these years, I get thrown out on the street during a pandemic. When the scapegoat is gone, however, the narcissist becomes desperate and will turn to the person with whom they are closest to find a replacement. (12 Things To Do), 50 Funny Jokes To Tell Your Girlfriend That Will Have Her Smiling From Ear To Ear. I relate to so many stories here. I know my mother will try everything to get me back. Even after leaving the family, the scapegoat may continue to struggle with the effects of being scapegoated and blamed for problems that were not their fault. This is rather like clinging to a hot coal that keeps burning you, instead of learning how to put it down and walk away. Its not a matter of caring about what happens to you; its a matter of self-preservation. As researchers in universities in both China and the US contend, when people feel they have no control over their lives, they use various scapegoating responses to re-assert a sense of control. Though this study was conducted in the context of a medical illness, the same holds true for the family of a scapegoat. Although the injuries to the self are still there, a scapegoat, by definition, is less favored and ultimately less impinged upon by the narcissistic parent. Theyre often younger siblings, but they might also be another parent or caregiver whos fragile and vulnerable rather than being a co-abuser or enabler. The abuser/scapegoat dynamic can be downright parasitic in nature. As such, the parents may end up getting divorced, and the children may choose to go with the other parent or move out on their own. Lilly, I know what its like to have absolutely no one. I was already about leave home anyway so it didnt affect me much. I was fortunate to have an exceptional father who vested much in me and I am forever grateful. Im free now since years. Once they leave the family and walk away, however, things tend to turn around for them. They typically make numerous attempts (usually meeting only resistance and denial) to stay emotionally connected before a family member will even consider taking that huge step. I am sick of my family treating me like shit. Its based on the narcissists logic, skewed by their worldviews and ego. At first, this can sound like a tall order. They may also come to believe they somehow deserved the abuse they endured or that they really are too sensitive as their abuser claimed. You can only imagine how the situation would go downhill very quickly. Maybe being the exiled scapegoat will be the best thing to ever happen to me. The family will never figure it out though. It was an odd experience whereby we (me, hubby, and kids) all felt like we were being treated like stupid children. They often internalized that role in the family. In fact, its almost inevitable that a member of the family will end up as a scapegoat if a parent is a narcissist, or has borderline personality disorder. haha. I didnt know until a childhood friend of mine was shocked by something my mother said. When my mom was very sick she gifted all her kids and the spouses and family with a cruise trip. Did I mention that my wife of 26 years has been a teacher for 26 years and a meth addict for the past 7 years? I guess I have been paying for that since being a teenager? HA! How to Protect a Child from a Narcissistic father? I married into the same kind family I was trying to escape from. Growing up as the family scapegoat may leave you feeling like there's no hope. They will tell you that what you think happened is all in your imagination. But I can tell you from personal experience that there is no more worthwhile process in the whole world. No one wants the scapegoat to leave because no one wants to ultimately take the scapegoats place. Alone and happy!!!! They have been living with a high level of stress for so long that when they are relieved of that burden, they dont know how to feel. The abuser will cling to their personal narrative with every fiber of their being. I never figured it out. if(typeof ez_ad_units != 'undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[580,400],'innertoxicrelief_com-large-mobile-banner-1','ezslot_5',108,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-innertoxicrelief_com-large-mobile-banner-1-0'); They will tell the other people in your life any lie to make them believe youre the one whos delusional, dangerous, or vindictive. I got out of line. Nebula suffered tremendously. They realize that nothing they can do can stop the family from blaming everything on them. If the child is punished and put down at every turn, there will be nothing but conflict, which will result in estrangement and loss all around. Many situations are much less daunting if you have a helping hand to guide you through them. They will likely be more miserable than ever. The gift is made to put the receiver in the uncomfortable position of tending to feel obligated. Its not easy, it hurts a LOT, but the peace you will encounter on the other side is better than anything you can possibly imagine. Family scapegoats could find themselves in abusive environments for the rest of their lives or even become abusers themselves if they dont address the trauma that their abusive upbringing created. Both the scapegoat and the golden child suffer as a result. If you cant cut contact yet, dont beat yourself up for that too! I will never treat my children the way my parents (and all of my grandparents) treated me. Please see our disclosure to learn more. Not many will. They know youre a loose end that they have to tie up and to do that, they will make it seem like youre the problem, not them. The other family members may turn on one another as the tension increases or someone else will be assigned the role. They are stuck in a double-bind: being part of the family means accepting to live as the scapegoat, while leaving the family means having nothing, no one. Basically, instead of burning their bridges, many people refrain from going no contact because theyre afraid of how their absence will affect other family members. Problems with real-world launching: Scapegoats may struggle in many settings, including the workplace, school, and in social interactions. Her mom made an awful scene and had to be escorted out of the building by security, after which she went full victim and blamed my housemate for unwarranted humiliation and cruelty.. I rebelled her. I think the moral of our lives is that just because horrible things happen to you as a child does not mean that you cant be a good person. She is a wise and wonderful woman. if(typeof ez_ad_units != 'undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[250,250],'innertoxicrelief_com-leader-3','ezslot_10',124,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-innertoxicrelief_com-leader-3-0'); Until the scapegoat leaves, they have been showered with praise. As the oldest of four children and designated scapegoat I was/am always looked down upon by my other siblings. This article is going to guide you through those obstacles, starting with a short video we made about the characteristics of a scapegoat to give you a better understanding of the challenges that scapegoats face on a daily basis. The parent may choose any child to fulfill this role, but common family scapegoats include: Any of these traits can provide the narcissistic mother or father with leverage to scapegoat their child. Theyll turn to the scapegoat for causing so much stress if they have marital problems. With the outlined help of a therapist, I have done my own self reflection, research and realized patterns over my entire life time. Sometimes the golden child can become another narcissist. I am 82 and still trying to work out what happened to me. But the trauma is all on the inside. Yes, it is horrific dynamic , thats the word that a little bit describes what actually is going on. Many times, narcissists quickly find something or someone else to blame. Either way, do not beat yourself up about it. Staying at her house was a nightmare. It is our most important asset. I too, am a scapegoat & have delt with narrow minded narcissistic family members all my life. It can be very difficult for the scapegoat to resist the familys attempts to control them with gaslighting. This a day after I got out of the hospital from my fourth and final surgery in two years. Family Scapegoats can certainly become narcissistic as they get older. The look on her face, when I was literally suicidal and in a panicked meltdown, still gives me nightmares. Generally speaking, scapegoats are often perceived as a threat by the main abuser of the household, like an abusive parent, simply because certain aspects of their identity trigger the abusers suppressed vulnerabilities and insecurities. My mom asks about me and wants me to be her caretaker. She used to put us all up in a line when one of us had misbehaved in a way (stolen some cookies i.e.) Thanos still wants to win Gamora back to his side. I wish you the best and that you find some peace for yourself too. The article then gets reviewed by a more senior editorial member. Thanks for sharing, Yes this is true both my parents do witchcraft on me and my dad raped me as a child, they kick me out of the house and let me be homeless and turned my eldest daughter against me my husband is also a narcissist he abuse me he cheats on me and now Im about to have a baby and I cannot handle it any longer I just want to get up and leave I have two other children from different men and I just want to be alone with them and go about my life and live in a box for the rest of my life. How times have changed. IDK if having contact would be any better though. I did not want to be like him! What happens when the scapegoat fights back? The number of times we must have seen Avengers Infinity War and Endgame, but we have never realized that there is no better example of a golden and scapegoated child than Gamora and Nebula.