its exactly what I need to do, and I know it. I work out, I want to be healthy, I want to be a great mom, and he can continue living whatever life he wants. They dont want our help (or anyone elses help). Once you feel in control over your life, with him or without him, the panic will start to subside. When they come for you, tell them the marriage no longer meets your requirements and shut the door in their face. When I do go do things, I know hes curious, but hes very good at not asking questions and trying to act like he doesnt care, but I can tell things get to him. its crazy bc I know him so well, to think he doesnt care seems almost ridiculous for me to say, but when you look at their actions, clearly he doesnt care. To this day, I resent the younger OW more, even though my CH had a PA with the somebody else. Or someone who has high standards or morals. Everyday I wake up knowing I have a full day ahead of feeling pretty crappy for the most part. Respond only if you have to. He does his own thing and he encourages you to spend time alone but that you do not see him trying to spend time together as a family. But sometimes we dont say much of anything and I usually do my own thing just trying to back off him. We have all been through some aspect of the above I some way shape or form. Ok then he has an affair 3 years ago. And he says as a wife to get your husband back you have to be loving but not a doormat and respected but not mean. Continue banging your head against the wall to effect a change (maybe) OR not engage in the circus and move past his drama. I ask about them calmly Are you in contact with Deanna phone, text or email? Looks me dead in the eye, and without blinking says No. Some days things feel good, he will text me, the convo goes well, carefree, and then we both get home from work and its like the site of me is just annoyance to him. It almost felt like there were no problems leaving the PA. Unfortunately the spouse is the unwitting victim. Dont be me. But now you are in limbo. You are wasting your time. Like I said, hes never waivered from saying he felt absolutely nothing for her, but he also never waivered from anything I cant prove in black & white, tangible, irrefutable evidence. He didnt get home until 11:30, which honestly doesnt bother me, but what bothers me is that he is so unaware of how unreliable that makes him for me. There are all kinds of repercussions for these things, and none of them are really good. Walk on D-day and dont look back. Here is a transcribed excerpt from that session. A view from the other side - Various Fog stories I wish we could just have fun, We were for a while there after the separation and now it really just feels so blah. Im sorry for rambling! In addition, I have been trying so hard that I have told her that she can keep her AP and her family too. But he refused to do it b/c in his words he didnt like being told what to do. And its these thoughts that deter me from the 180, bc when I have thoughts like this I just want to tell him he should go. I am beginning to think theres OW in our city as well, why else would he be out all hours of the night. I thought he was on drugs at DDay 2. Or stop him from cheating. but are separated now and she moved out to find her self. Wait and see what happens. Or should I try to just not be around him and let him know im mad and skeptical and dont trust him and know I deserve more. How screwed up is that? So he waffles between the singles night at the bar life and being M at his convenience. She was so screwed up mentally. Those are his choices. He spreads so much lies and hate about me to his allies, its disgusting. Hes been addicted to online porn for a while and a few times he went beyond just getting his little kicks. Typical cheater move by the way blame everyone else. This Fog article and your comments have cleared out a Lot of stuff in my mind, specially the part that he is blaming me to have destroyed our marriage and justifying him dating her, that is how he tell it. But in a lot of cases and again, you cant generalize I think youre right. Your H exhibits addict like behavior. Youre absolutely right. A 2 time looser. Prayers to you for all that you have suffered. He was still cheating. You tell the spouse the truth. First he stayed bc I had a bad cold and he helped through the night with the baby for 2 nights. She is such a good person he would say to me. They are just blinded at the moment. The old line love you but not in love with you. The most hurtful words I ever said. Leave your comments, experiences, advice, etc. But of course theres a way. He is going out MUCH more lately, out until 2am, even though he will text me and say hes on his way home, and then not get home until hours later. Hi Doug Thank you so much. But I just feel like ive been CONSTANTLY given the shit end of the stick. But I keep telling myself just stick it out a little. and I think he knows that. Dont play his game. I had complete control and I was telling him what would happen. Thank you both for your comments of support. Anyway, we got back together, he proposed to me, I said yes (I just thought the wedding wouldnt be right away and we would resolve our issues before the wedding). But he was a coward. That is where I was st DDay2. I dont know where his head is right now, but clearly were still just cohabitating and not doing anything to get us back on track. Its good to know that Im not alone in this. But when it continues while youre aware of it and youre dealing with your behaviors and the way youre acting, that is so much for a betrayed spouse to handle. I couldnt agree more! While I was busy raising and looking after everything in my house, he was busy looking after himself. Nothing to do with anything you do or do not do. I guess my fustration is with the lack of conscience. Scary. We had just gone to a workshop for troubled marriages thru our church at the beginning of December and celebrated our 25th anniversary in October. I get nowhere asking him questions. I want him to know the door is open for him to leave, im not keeping him here. I dont want a husband like this. I sure hope he comes around. But everyday I think to myself, I would probably be better off alone right now. I told him his actions show he doesnt care about me at all and that he wanted a different life, and I told him to go have it. The issue w/ my H was he would tell me be home by 12 pm and show up at 3 am with no call or courtesy. 18 Reasons why NOT to have an affair - After My Affair I know my own value, yet I feel like I constantly have to prove it to him, when I have never felt that way before. You are not HIS support system and back up plan. He realized how disrespectful it was. If my H comes home and tells me something that I suspect is not 200% the full story, I metely look him in the eye and calmly say I am sorry you dont have the courage or respect to tell me the truth. We have somewhat similar stories. I feel so vulnerable and im always assuming hes just walking all over me and I dont even know if he is. You never had an opportunity to think, Gosh. Dont engage in conversations you dont want to. But he did end up staying the night on the couch. midlife crisis when the fog lifts But I still feel the need to get some kind of boost from other guys (I dont know what kind of boost). We would be more intimate. I begged and apologized. At that time, 18 months ago, He walked into rehab wanting to win his wife back and he walked out with a girlfriend. By the end of 6 months I could have lived a year with my children if he didnt pay me a dime. I need to get a grip. BUT.writes he hasnt given up on us yet! Just like an alcoholic will do whatever is necessary to get alcohol, the same is true for a cheater. Unfortunately that is the truth. I have seen this scenario many times w/ my friends. And he has been gone all day and of course my mind goes to wondering where he could possibly be, but I just have to get used to wondering that, bc now he wont be living here anymore. He wouldnt show me his phone but said hes absolutely not speaking to her and hasnt in almost a month. I regret getting married to him. It is about respect. He sent a text this morning just asking when the baby woke up. That was NOT a good time his whore actually was going to come to our house I said bring your retarded ni**er whore ass to my house I was waiting with my sons pitbull and I told her my husband and I that we were waiting with a pit bull (she was scared to death of ) for her she NEVER has shown her face she left state as I did inform her legally if I saw her face I would have her arrested she left NY and went to Houma La never to be heard from again. Youre right, he doesnt care, and that is unbelievably sad. Normal life as far as they could tell. And now he says he has been trying to, but honestly I do not see that at all. the last 5 weeks i have tried every thing to get her back. If possible, wed also like to hear from those of you whose spouse has emerged from the fog, and how you feel that was accomplished. Last night was a big one. Im so sick of being worried that every day a new bomb is going to drop thats going to make my stomach drop and upset me. Funny how he accused me of that well he did it to me but worse. Yet, why arent MY feelings dwindling? He texted me and said he would be home in 15 mins. But I also dont want to be a doormat. Dress nicely and just leave the house for several hours. When I told him I was D him well reality set in and he realized he took ME for granted. After going through months and months of the fog, a lot of times, its just too much pain. In no way am I recommending telling your H you want a D unless you are prepared to do it. Though I wonder WHY he needs to spend so much time out at bars come on, 4-5 nights a week is excessive. It can be turned around. Think of the affair like an addiction. But no matter what I dare say your H is a coward. And I believed it. And then I was calling the shots. I simply took away the device my H was using to play a game. When I did it, he didnt argue and he didnt even attempt to sneak back on there, but it didnt break his stupidity fog. And it seems like at moments he is completely out of the fog, he seems to be here, himself, wanting to be here, enjoying it. But the day he is out in the street b/c she has moved on (and we all know she will) as he has no Job or $ or anything he will do one of two things. Sometimes I think he does things to test how I will react. No kids, no responsibility, party lifestyle etc. Its been very strange. Learn how your comment data is processed. You rug sweep his A, never again ask questions, allow him to wander in at all hours of the morning and expect no answers about where he has been etc. With all my might!! I could no longer function under the black cloud of infidelity. I would of course hope that one day he will open his eyes and see this for what it is and see how much trauma he has caused, but I really doubt it. Plan your own social life dont feel obligated to include him in you plans. You need to get him to see that he disrespects you. WebIt is actually very common once the affair fog lifts and they see their affair partner in everyday real life. Not trying to change a situation or behavior. Now you are just trying to co-exist and live peacefully. People lie would start yelling at her if they ran out of an item like rye bread. So again, after a few weeks we decided he would leave again, which was 2 weeks ago, and he never left. I cant even BELIEVE it has been so many months of dealing with this. Stonewalled and denied the entire time. Or just dont engage with him except about finances and your baby. The only thing I can say is that I did not make a fool of myself or start drinking or acting like I was having a midlife crisis. I feel like im losing my mind. Because of 2 abortions and now too old to have babies realisation that she will never be a mum had hit home. My CH has an exceptionally hard head. He decided he did not want to. But looking back, the thing that I did that I shouldnt have done was I never stopped telling you that I loved you, and that I wanted to be with you. Damn, if I could only have had suspicion and investigated. Next begins a repeated internal dialog of the rationalizations over and over again in their minds. It is such a neat (I know some wont like that word choice) experience to feel how messed up my thinking was. Absolutely smart on your part. Shes destroyed several marriages during her 30+ year career there) on his cell phone log. I sincerely hope it doesnt come to that for you and your children. Thats the part that stays unforgivable. H has not cracked the book yet, 6 weeks later. But she knew exactly what she was doing. Not any more. I feel like an annoyance. I made that poor choice and I let him justify his A as my fault. Here are my suggestions: My life has been turned upside down. I changed many behaviors, but she seems unwilling to meet me there. It has been the most difficult time in my entire life. It really feels like if I give him any inkling that I want to be with him, he doesnt care. I felt like he was having his cake and eating it too. Regardless, I will no longer be a doormat. That they are friends. You are NOT doing anything wrong. If you dont do it now you will have given up your power to him. It was definitely the biggest argument we have had in a long time. Join us as we explore the real struggles of midlife health, and learn how to However he was the one that came to his senses. Either he has a serious drinking problem or many OW or something. So even though I was led to believe our marriage survived his affair in reality his sffair was not over. But please do not allow this to go on too long. Which isnt true. He never saw me with an I dont give a crap attitude towards him before. At least you are not having yelling and screaming matches daily (not good for the baby or you). Because that is something I will have to handle differently. He is constantly saying Oh ill be home early. The year this was going on my H came home from a business trip and I am saying we can get past this and he is saying I dont want to be married to you anymore. I wish you could get out of this nightmare somehow.